Its Ramadaan BRO!

So its Ramadaan.. best month of the year, where everyone is a comedian and all guys think talking about the kajoor effect is a nice way to pick up chicks.

Anyway! I read an article on MuslimMatters.org concerning the rather pointless arguments left wing capitalists like to engage themselves in – Going to watch the New Batamn movie even though it releases in Ramadaan.

So it got me thinking, WHO CARES?! Theres no masala saying “ YOU CAN OR CANT WATCH BATMAN IN RAMADAAN.” The same goes for many other things that is considered more haraam(if that even exists) in Ramadaan, than out of it.

Admittedly i also get very annoyed when people, call people who ‘go holy’ in ramadaan, ‘pretentious’. YOU tell me, what part of waking before dusk and not eating till after dawn is being ‘pretentious’. You can’t exactly pretend to fast. Coz then its not fasting.

Also if you wear kurta(or chicks who wear cloak/scarf etc etc) - HOW is that pretentious. You’re carrying yourself in the prescribed manner in order gain maximum benefit of this month. Anyway back to Batman.

Does he really care about all of this? I don’t think so.. I wonder what time sehri is in Gotham City, not that it matters, coz Batman is up all night, prowling the streets, jumping over buildings, getting high inhaling secondary smoke from weed as he goes past musjid parking lots etc etc..

Maybe Bat-Girl is home frying the samosas, sending their bat-kids to get Haleem from Bilals.

Oh wait, Gotham city doesn’t have a Bilals.

Or maybe Bat-Girl is posing in front of the mirror rocking the ‘drinking-sarbat-through-a-straw’ pose. (duck face)… in her cloak and scarf.

I wonder who Batman’s chick is in the new movie.

Oh wait, ill never know, coz from an extremist’s point of view, Batman is probably ‘haraam’ in many eyes. Mainly because There’s the Joker, and jokes are haram. So, so is the joker. And batman. And Bat Girl.

I haven’t watched Spiderman yet either. Maybe I’ll go watch it after Ramadaan when movies become halaal again.

Either way, I still prefer Superman. Gonna get a kurta with a Superman logo printed onto it. Hopefully I’ll be fat, and the kurta will be tight like Superman's jockey-costume so everyone can see my petu which is covered by a layer of 6 pack.

Hope the Roza is treating you well, and in case I don’t blog during the last 10 days, remember there’s no kheer like free kheer, so take the polystyrene cup and tuck in!

Anyway, im gonna go listen to Benammi, Zain bhika and Maher Zain albums on repeat!

p.s: the weekly Majlis newsletter has arrived, but since its ramadaan and I’m not supposed to engage myself in pointless activities, I will read it once the month is over. But heres a screenshot of the sub-headline that caught my eye! 

no such thing! tv jahannum!

yusuf :)

Muslim Stig

So Top Gear was in Durban a few weeks back, and it got me thinking. Who were  they going to be putting in the stig suit: the normal British stig, momo gp (who bought his racing license), Ashwin who thinks the epitome of driving pleasure is racing a Corsa bakki on the N2 to gateway … OR if they kidnapped a muslim oke buying Marlboro Light from Engen on the Friday night they arrived,
and then made him drive cars.

Normally  Jeremy Clarkson introduces the stig with a few witty/funny comments in the format of “some say  , All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

So, how would they introduce him this socks-and-chumples wearing bro?

“Some say .. that his heart doubles up as a tasbeeh counter .. and that
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

“Some say that he once stole his sister’s skin whitening cream and used it on his crash helmet(coz he was tired of looking like a racing driver and wanted to look like sharukh khan in the adverts).. 14 days later his face exploded
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

“Some say .. that if he ran MJC , he would have answered Deborah Pattas calls, and answered all questions with Zain Bhika nasheed lyrics
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

“Some say that at his house he only drinks rose water.. in coo’ee bottles
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

“Some say that he is skitso, and the ‘voices in his head’ are that of al ansaar presenters
All we know is he called in and said he was The Stig, in a robot voice!”

“Some say that he refuses to pay more that R7.86 at the Marianhill Toll Plaza
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

“Some say that he once made it from Durban to PMB in 15 minutes, in his Camry
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

“Some say that he married out of his gham... and that his parents were so thrilled, that they let him live with his wife's family
All we know is he’s called The StiGhar Jamai!”

“Some say that he gave half a kruger coin n mehr(dowry, lobola.. whatever)
All we know is he’s called The Memon Stig!”

“Some say his twitter account is aprroved. SANHA approved
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

“Some say that he naturally faces the Qibla and has leather chumples instead of feet.
All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

Find Muslim Stig on twitter ----> @muslimstig

When the Jamaat Bros take over TV

So having not blogged in I donno how long, I got a tweet from @concerningmj inviting me to ghush on Friday night while I was eating supper.
im always up for hearing how im going to jahannam and that nothing in this world matters apart from keeping my trousers above my ankle, so naturally i accepted this offer.

Jokes.

Basically its what TV shows would be like if muslims produced and directed them. From a JB’s version of stuff will be like. see post - When Muslims Take over TV

By JB’s I mean Jamaat Brothers




Ghibat Girls
Following the lives off all the cloaks and scarves as they bake for their husbands by day, teach at madressahs by afternoon, and make pachaat on telkom landlines by night.

Intense scenes involve a jamaat brother going for gush to his girlfriends house. He gets caught after winking at his girlfriend while saying ‘masha’allah’ when he sees her while walking to the bathroom to try and clean a tea stain from his 10-pocket-cargo-jacket. The father of the girl uses his miswaak to give the JB 3 shots on his knuckles. The next time they went to that house, he sat in the car and played brickbreaker. Although,  he rebounds with her best friend. She’s white. this jamaat bro is into "dawah dating" ;)


Cheaters
3 brothers who help guys catch 'so called' haari poiris, caught red handed wearing scarf with the fringe showing, or talking to their male cousins at weddings or whatever the JB’s regard as fitnah nowadays



Darul Uloom's Got Talent
this series would showcase brothers demonstrating some of their in-insaan(insane) skills which could amongst others include jumping over walls to the freeway etc etc.
uhm camperdown


Entourage
Follows the life of 5 brothers who travel the country, convey their message, bbm with chicks, play soccer and smoke styvies in the musjid parking lot. The theme song for this series is 'cant take it with you when you go’ .. so in that endeavour, when one brother gets a girl’s bbm pin, he shares it with his bros. Coz you cant take it with you when you go.

Big Bang Theory
Oh. Wait. Nevermind

Royal Pains
Royal pains follows the life of Hamid R Lawson, and his brother who did(dropped out of) BCom, E R Lawson. Together these two start HaMed, where they go around giving house calls to sick patients. Hamid carries a cane with him to wack children who want to fake sickness so they don’t have to go to madressah. He also fell in love with the pharmacist at Sparksport Pharmacy. She doesn’t stand for salaami. He got over her.


Top Gear
Jeremy Clarkson would be replaced by an old school Mufti, Mufti Clarkson, who owns a white camry. Cars would be judged as not by price, style or practicality, but rather on how the tasbeeh fits onto the rear view mirror, the amount of brothers that can sit on each others laps in comfort on the back seat, and finally if the radio picks up Radio Al Ansaar, then it fails in the eyes of Mufti Clarkson. However cars that have good clarity of Radio Islaam and have built in Musjid receivers will be strongly considered for the ‘cool wall’. All Toyotas get put on the cool wall by default.

Cars with built in entertainment systems will only be given the 'Halaal' stamp of approval if the tv channels are  restricted to iTV. And Supersport 3.

James May, would be replaced by James Muharram who still keeps the nickname Captain Slow coz he takes 10 minutes to read dua after Asr. On a Tuesday.

Hammond would be replaced by one of the short subcontinental brother who triples up as the studio caretaker, cleaner, he also makes guest appearances on cooking shows on how to make kheer.

______________________________________________________________________________
as @concerningmj put it : This isnt an attack on any subcontinental school of thought. I dig all the respective  walking and all the standing you guys do.



Yusuf :)

Essence of Time

I wanna go back in time and tell myself

To stop saying ‘what if’

Or ‘if what’

That life becomes better before it becomes worst

And that dogs don’t actually like it when you pull their tales

And that when i didn't know my Surah Yaseen off-by-heart

Then my Moulana says he is gonna 'bring out the stick'

That i should have come earlier to class

And stolen the stick

And thrown it over a wall. or something. 

And that our own worst enemy isn’t ourselves

But in fact is our enemies 

Are only those who want to change us into someone we haven’t chose to turn into

We always change. We put on masks all the time

But ... eventually

Hopefully rather

We are gonna reach a point in our life

Where we’re gonna be old

And sit around a table at a wedding

And drink tea

And eat biscuits

And laugh off all our problems

Coz life gets worse before it gets better :)

i hope.

The Macaroon Mentality

Over the past couple weeks, im sure we’ve all been keeping up with current affairs – be it of some significance, or just what our local rumour mill churns out.

I’d like to concentrate on the latter tonight.

And by that, im sure I have mentioned something about it in the past, but not in this specific light. It’s a little something Dockie and I like to call the Macaroon Mentality.

By definition, a macaroon is some sort of French biscuit, which has become some sort of phenomenon amongst us. It also somehow is supposed to represent some sort of class amongst the society I found myself to be likin’ and hatin’ upon at the same time.

Firstly, we are a society that is extremely bored with our lives, so much so that we love to worry about stupid shit that no one actually cares about, and when that gets out of hand, we move on to stuff that is completely irrelevant to us, and so foreign that it baffles me how we even got to liking the thing in the first place. Dockie also pointed out that in these sheltered environment, there's this constant need to find something that will define you from others or make you more important as such.

Want an example? Macaroons!

However this mentality does not solely reflect our obsession with overpriced colourful French biscuits, it extends to much more than that – i.e: worrying about stuff completely irrelevant to our lives, by trying to get involved and then messing up a situation beyond repair, and then running away pretending that nothing happened. Kinda like dipping a biscuit in tea, but dipping it for a little too long, and having the biscuit fall in.

I’ve repeatedly used ‘we’ and ‘us’ .. and who does this refer to? The Gossip Girl generation! Especially the group of girls that think its so cool to be slutty/like Blair/like Elena – and by that they can get what they want without considering the consequences. Forgive my complaining, I just get annoyed by stupidity. 

And in essence, the Macaroon Mentality is based on stupidity. The lack of our ability to expand our horizons beyond the conceited little circles we try so hard to fit in to.

In this regard, I appreciate hippies, even though they have a tendency to attract unwarranted self importance, they still manage to emit chilled out vibes and take what they see or hear with a pinch of salt – weed is not necessary to complete this image, unless you’re a stoner or part of that 'zol and ball' crew, then there's no hope for you.

Verify facts.

Be true to yourself and to the people you find yourself around. It pays off, it builds trust, and few things strengthen relationships the way trust does.

If summins been messed up before, try the above again – apparently theres always a chance for making it right.

Don’t obsess over foreign concepts which really mean nothing to you, romary creams dunked in tea are just as good i scheme.

Have naan khatais and get Chilli Chocolate Chefs to cater for deserts at your wedding.

Macaroons, Beats headphones and Wakaberry are overrated.

Though Beats are really cool.

Yusuf :) 

Quotes Gone Wrong

“ So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s naaring. Don’t use very sad, use swak. Slang was invented for one reason, lyties - to fluke cherries - and, in that speech, parking dom will not do.”
 - Dead Outies Society

" I wanna get burfee wasted!" - Grown Ups

" You had me at Salaam." - Jerry Mcguire

" I have 90 mxit contacts, 12 deleted me, but still, 90 contacts." - Ali, Due badaam Date

" I came, i saw, i pinged my braz to help me out, we conquered." - The Kaiser

" I gave her my heart and she gave me her bbm pin" - Tune Anything

" My Mummy always reckon, 'Life was like a box of chappies; you never know what flavor you're gonna  get." - Forest Gump

" Are you flirting with me?" "since the first day i used the ;) emoticon." - Namastey Durban

" If you're a bat, i'm a b... wait, if you're a bat, i'm not going for you." - The Notekitaab

“ I... drink… your… sarbat! I drink it up!”

"there's no school like a muslim school and i'm the f*n drug dealer!"

" 'do not ping her' is pinging me." - No Nikkah Attatched

" Never let the fear of striking out prevent you from pinging her." - A not so Cinderella Story

" I love the smell of dholl in the morning. It smells like victory."

" Why dont they make a movie about what happens after the kiss? - They do, its called Bollywood" -    Friends without Benefits


" I just stole fifty cupcakes in one waalima!" - Gone in 40 days

" The way to a chicks heart is through poking her on Facebook."

" May the falooda be with you"
" Luke-maan, i am your father" --- Star Wars

_______________________________________________________________________________________________
My first post for 2011 before school, tuition, debating, sleepless nights and a Super C addiction starts. :)
I mean 2012

yusuf :)

Looking back at 2011

So I do this post right now, chilling, listening to indian music. Chilling. Life is chilled right now
I wish I could say that for this past year. In true tradition of a Grade 10 student, this year was probably the most roller-coaster thing ever.


That’s if, the word ‘rollercoaster’ can be used as an adjective. Amongst other things as well. Learnt a whole new life living in the city for the most part of the school term.


iI' kidding, I didn’t learn shit, PMB isn’t a city, it’s a big hole with a few kickass houses; and a big(ish) spaza shop which the inhabitants call ‘the mall.' ..I’ve been lead to believe that that’s where all the cool kids hang out. In Greytown(the town where I live), all the cool kids hang out at the post office… and smoke. 


In this mediocre blog post I could type a whole long story of all the crazy things I wanted to, in comparison to the insane(ly), lame things that I did do, but who am I kidding.  


In a nutshell ive mastered my hand illustrations which act in unison to my speech. In stupid people terms: I move my hand around when I speak, really well. Ari Gold taught me it during the final and almost best season of Entourage. (5 was better than 8. 801 was sheet)


I've also realised that while im in school I shouldn’t take things seriously. Anything. Oh, and my dog senses sarcasm better than some human beings.


Just to sidetrack a bit,




I'm not into Americans, or much of what they do; but there is one aspect that I do admire ... Its Thanksgiving ... The day where you remember to appreciate all what you have...


If muslims celebrated it however it would be a little different ..
it will be an excuse to buy new clothes
And For one, the shop keepers will make it an excuse to host another 'international dubai shopping festival' where they'll sell stuff made in china  .... In Durban


But let's not hate on that.. Ill go back to Thanksgiving .. At the end of this year, there's been much for me to complain about.. But I'd rather be thankful


Thankful for the friends I've made, the "friends" I've lost .. The mistakes I've made and the lessons that I've learnt.
As with wisdom comes age, and we all have 12 more months to learn wisdom and be fit and do homework and stuff.. Until we die. Unless you're like ... Everyone... And you don't believe in 2012 :)


Welcome to round 11 (if you were born in '95... And you're going into grade 11 next year .. Hence .. 'Round 11')

Finally, I was thinking of mentioning a few people who made this year, the year that it was for me, but I think they know it already..

For next year i cant promise many blog posts, but look forward to a List or two. i think i owe it to a few insane people out there :)

Yusuf :)